Bag-Head weighs in on election matters
The huge 300-pound figure clanking toward me in the News-Press parking wearing a “Barack the Vote in ’08” T-shirt was none other than Bag-Head Jheri, the Messanie Street Philosopher. I’m sure he had something to say about the upcoming presidential elections. I wasn’t wrong.
“Hey, Weston, let me holla at you for a minute, brotha,” Bag said, almost out of breath.
“Yeah, what’s up, Bag?” I asked.
“Man, this presidential race done gone way past being off the hook. It’s off the rim,” Bag said.
“How’s that?” I asked, sincerely curious.
“Like how all of a sudden does being ghetto make you a good vice presidential candidate,” Bag answered.
“What do you mean? You’re talking about Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, right?” I asked.
“Fashigidy, fore shore,” Bag said. “Let’s say Obama’s daughter came up pregnant and her baby daddy posted some gangsta flow on MySpace. You know ol’ ‘Arcane’ McCain and his playa hatin’ crew would shore ’nuff be goin’ buck wild on that. They be choppin it up.”
“Well, unplanned teen pregnancies happen in the best of families. I’d hate to judge Palin by her daughter’s indiscretions,” I reasoned.
“You don’t got to tell me. I got plenty baby mamas up in my fambo,” Bag said. “But they ain’t trying to bamboozle the public by saying these the new family values neither. Yadidamean?”
“Yeah, I get what you mean Bag,” I answered wearily.
“And anybody who names their baby boy sumptin’ like ‘Track’ has gotta be on crack.” Bag said. “What? ‘Tre’, ‘Re-Re’ and ‘Day-Day’ already been taken? Let’s see Track get a job wit’ a name like that.”
“With a name like Bag-Head, I wonder how many job offers you get,” I shot back.
“Betta slow your roll now,” Bag warned. “I’m just trying to pull your coattail to some of the whack stuff bubbling up on the political scene.”
“Look, Bag, I would think people would be tired of eight years of Republican rule and be ready for a change, anyway. I just don’t think Obama or anyone else has to resort to attacking someone’s family issues,” I answered.
“If we gonna break ’em off we betta start coming from the shoulders. These some shore ’nuff gangsta folks we dealing with here,” Bag said. “I’m tellin’ ya, last time I seen a pit bull wit’ lipstick was down at cousin Pootie’ crib in Carolina.”
“That was just a figure of speech,” I stifled a laugh.
“Yep, saw a pig wearing lipstick down there too,” Bag answered. “I tell you, man, these folks are straight ghetto. Peep this: Arcane McCain left his sick wife for a rich sugar mama. Ghetto. Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby’s daddy, calls himself an ‘(expletive) redneck’ who wants to ‘kick (your expletive).’ Ghetto. Now if that ain’t WNA, I’ll buy you a Hostess Twinkie,” Bag said.
“What’s WNA?” I asked.
“You heard of the rap group “Niggas With Attitude? Well these are Whiteys with Attitude,” Bag answered. “Folks betta wake up an’ recognize.”
Alonzo Weston can be reached at alonzow@npgco.com.
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Great non-biased reporting....
Posted by BartVanzetti on September 17, 2008 at 6:42 a.m. (Suggest removal)It wasn't presented as "reporting", it's on the opinion page. But perhaps Swiftian satire is not your forte this morning.
Posted by heritage on September 17, 2008 at 7:56 a.m. (Suggest removal)BABY MAMMA? nice. a playful and cute word for irresponsible and wanton disregard for the future.
Posted by ninja_man on September 17, 2008 at 10:52 a.m. (Suggest removal)i love the quote about "Niggas With Attitudes"... that's great. i can't believe that's on here.. nice article Weston!
Posted by Joe_Wright on September 17, 2008 at 11:08 a.m. (Suggest removal)i hope to hang out with bag head someday.. sounds like good times.
Thanks for the articlle...we are now a lot more enlightened. Or just feel like we wasted 5 minutes we can never get back.
Posted by Wright_Winger on September 17, 2008 at 1:05 p.m. (Suggest removal)Could this be translated into Farsi so the other half of Obama's followers can "enjoy" it?
Posted by ninja_man on September 17, 2008 at 1:45 p.m.This comment was removed by the site staff.
Posted by Wright_Winger on September 17, 2008 at 2:15 p.m. (Suggest removal)Actually, I was referring to stupidity, not race. Glad for the chance to clear that up for you; a lot of humor deeper than 'Doonesbury' probably goes right over your head.
Posted by ninja_man on September 17, 2008 at 2:19 p.m. (Suggest removal)that comment offends me... i don't have a head. i lost it in a tractor accident when i was 12.
Posted by Wright_Winger on September 17, 2008 at 2:26 p.m. (Suggest removal)thanks for bringing up those painful memories.
So sorry. See why a mindless comment would be painful to you.
Posted by ninja_man on September 17, 2008 at 2:41 p.m.This comment was removed by the site staff.
Posted by Mr_America on September 17, 2008 at 3:18 p.m. (Suggest removal)I have never seen Baghead and Sasquatch in the same place at the same time. Come to think of it I have never seen either one of them anywhere.
Posted by Wright_Winger on September 17, 2008 at 3:33 p.m. (Suggest removal)Ninja, touching story about "skippy" the donkey. I once had a jar of peanut butter named "Skippy." I wonder if they were related. Did you know a male donkey is also properly called a jack. One with a bad outlook is called a "grimjack."
Posted by ninja_man on September 17, 2008 at 3:52 p.m. (Suggest removal)grimjack - i knew we shouldnt have been talking about the taco bell incident on here... i hope that spy_hunter doesnt get in trouble for opening his mouth. he's been wanted by the law for years now... this just might bring him down.
Posted by thatguy on September 18, 2008 at 6:27 a.m. (Suggest removal)I'm pretty sure I just lost IQ points after reading this "writing" by Mr. Weston.
Posted by tigersfan on September 18, 2008 at 9 a.m. (Suggest removal)I'm still not sure of the point behind the whole thing. Was Mr. Weston trying to say that if Obama had the same issues that Palin has he would be lambasted by the media? That's the only sense I could make from this foolish editorial.
thanks alonzo you have completely changed my outlook on this entire election.
ninja, why don't you ride your donkey on out of here and let the grownups play.
Posted by BCotter on September 18, 2008 at 3:40 p.m. (Suggest removal)WNA = Whiteys With Attitude? What does the "N" stand for? Is it bad editing or the street guy supposed to be stupid?
Posted by azmaggie on September 18, 2008 at 5:41 p.m. (Suggest removal)Alonzo I used to love your Bag-Head stories but I think this one went to far and I won't bother reading any more of them!! Thank You very much!!!!
Posted by comment on September 20, 2008 at 10:28 a.m. (Suggest removal)Come on Bag. Ocho Cinco still got a job!
Posted by MichaelH on September 25, 2008 at 3:26 p.m.This comment was removed by the site staff.
Posted by MichaelH on September 26, 2008 at 3:31 p.m. (Suggest removal)I'm curious...
How would white people be perceived if every time we referred to blacks we said, "black-boy?"
I don't know how many times I've been called "white-boy" in this city and it appalls me that it's socially acceptable to do so.
Furthermore, we have a professional using words such as "whitey," and "niggas" in a public newspaper.
True respect isn't based on skin color and it certainly isn't hypocritical. Wait a minute - do I still owe black people something since I'm white? Is that how it works?
Gimmie a break.